Below is something I wrote a while back.
The reason I share it now is because I want people to know that these feelings are normal and if I have felt them I know others have too and it is ok!
I feel like I’m dying a little bit inside each day.
The person I am/ who I use to be is dying to make room for the new person I have to be.
Everyone asks if I’m ok and I tell them yes- but the truth is no. I’m not ok- it’s not ok!
The reason I say yes is because even though the answer is no there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to fix it or make it any better.
It is my own personal struggle that cannot be explained or truly understood outside my own head.
So I do what I do best. Be strong. Be strong for my daughter, my son, my husband, my family, for everyone, for myself and I cry in private.
Crying is weak and a loss of control and I can’t lose control! For me control is everything. There is so much I can’t control with this, so my emotions I can.
A friend said something to me the other day… He said let yourself get mad, upset, honest. If she breaks something it’s ok to think about how you are mad at her and what your response would be if she didn’t have autism.
But my truth is that I don’t get mad or angry with her. I get mad and angry and frustrated with myself because deep down I know I did this to her. Somehow I caused this! Since the day she was born I’m the only one that has cared for her day in day out. She has never been in daycare or had a babysitter. The only other people that have cared for her have been Brad “Dad” and my parents “Papa” and “Gigi”. If I have left her for any reason it has only been for a few hours.
It has all been me. I made the food choices, the environmental choices, the toy choices.
Did I not read to her enough? Did I let her watch too much TV? Did I put something into her through environment or through me that did this to her?!?
Like I said in my first post about autism- I find myself coming back to anger a lot! I know what I wrote above is not easy to read. Trust me it is not easy to have those kind of thoughts in your head either. But I guess my reasoning for putting down and out for everyone to see is because I want others to know that I’m sure thoughts and feelings like this are normal.
The rational part of my brain knows my daughters autism is not my fault. But I need someone to blame and right now it is easiest to blame myself. It is either myself or God and right now my relationship is better with myself.
This bout of anger and loss of control feeling came after one of Giada’s OT sessions. Her therapist left me with catalogs so we could start ordering equipment for her. We had already ordered her 1 piece but flipping through the pages and looking and what would be my daughters at least next few months started to become more real then I was ready to handle