AUTISM- A moment of weakness: In the mind of a Mother trying to deal

Below is something I wrote a while back.
The reason I share it now is because I want people to know that these feelings are normal and if I have felt them I know others have too and it is ok!
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I feel like I’m dying a little bit inside each day.

The person I am/ who I use to be is dying to make room for the new person I have to be.

Everyone asks if I’m ok and I tell them yes- but the truth is no. I’m not ok- it’s not ok!
The reason I say yes is because even though the answer is no there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to fix it or make it any better.
It is my own personal struggle that cannot be explained or truly understood outside my own head.

So I do what I do best. Be strong. Be strong for my daughter, my son, my husband, my family, for everyone, for myself and I cry in private.

Crying is weak and a loss of control and I can’t lose control! For me control is everything. There is so much I can’t control with this, so my emotions I can.

A friend said something to me the other day… He said let yourself get mad, upset, honest. If she breaks something it’s ok to think about how you are mad at her and what your response would be if she didn’t have autism.
But my truth is that I don’t get mad or angry with her. I get mad and angry and frustrated with myself because deep down I know I did this to her. Somehow I caused this! Since the day she was born I’m the only one that has cared for her day in day out. She has never been in daycare or had a babysitter. The only other people that have cared for her have been Brad “Dad” and my parents “Papa” and “Gigi”. If I have left her for any reason it has only been for a few hours.
It has all been me. I made the food choices, the environmental choices, the toy choices.
Did I not read to her enough? Did I let her watch too much TV? Did I put something into her through environment or through me that did this to her?!?

Like I said in my first post about autism- I find myself coming back to anger a lot! I know what I wrote above is not easy to read. Trust me it is not easy to have those kind of thoughts in your head either. But I guess my reasoning for putting down and out for everyone to see is because I want others to know that I’m sure thoughts and feelings like this are normal.

The rational part of my brain knows my daughters autism is not my fault. But I need someone to blame and right now it is easiest to blame myself. It is either myself or God and right now my relationship is better with myself.

This bout of anger and loss of control feeling came after one of Giada’s OT sessions. Her therapist left me with catalogs so we could start ordering equipment for her. We had already ordered her 1 piece but flipping through the pages and looking and what would be my daughters at least next few months started to become more real then I was ready to handle

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4 thoughts on “AUTISM- A moment of weakness: In the mind of a Mother trying to deal

  1. Hi Kristin,

    Wish there was an easy answer or comfort. I think all mothers beat themselves up when things happen. My son is now 26 years old and I still wonder if there is something I did to cause his ADHD. Did we make the right decision to put him on meds/pull him off meds. Are any of his struggles are result of something I did. The questions never stop in my head even now. You just have to realize we all do the very best we can in our own uniqe circumstances. You really seem like a great mom, try to stop beating yourself up. And don’t let other judge you. I worried so much about what people would “think” about my child, about my decisions and I think I regret that the most. I just added more burden on myself and I already was so worried about my child. One the best pieces of advice I ever go was “you are your child’s mother, follow your heart, not what people tell you.

    • Thank you Jennie. I consider myself a very strong person and most of the time don’t care what other people think. I just worry about my daughter she is so young and I don’t want her to have to be any stronger than has to be.

  2. Kristin, I am so proud of you. I wish I had something like this when Rickey was young. I blamed myself also for what what happening to him. He had to have structure in his life still does. My life was so hard and so was his until we found a public school that took the time to help him and me and his Dad. He still has his days but he has better days then bad. He was labeled in the one school we went to and the teachers never helped him. He has come a long way.

    • I believe it is important to push our children. Push them to be everything they can! You might not of had what you needed when Rickey was little but that doesn’t mean you can’t get it now!

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